Soldiering On

Writing for a living makes it difficult for me to write in my spare time. I think that makes me a terrible writer, really I shouldn’t even be calling myself one. But once I get off work, answering emails, phone calls, Googling my research (just to start!), the last thing I want to do is keep writing. So I’ve been neglectful. And of course, now that I’m not writing, this has become a way to keep myself from going crazy.

I’ve been off work for five weeks, away from Molokai and my friends for four. Five weeks! Except one summer in college, when I worked at a Younkers, I have never had five weeks off my kind of work. Where I’m studying, writing, doing something with my mind. And my mind has turned to mush. No stimulation except TV – the worst kind – and sporadic conversations with my mom or brother.

Besides not working, it’s been weird being home. Driving makes me crazy. I wouldn’t call it road rage, more like justifiable road disbelief. There are simply too many people out there. Walmart is the worst, everyone weaving in and out of aisles that are no longer in straight rows, and I don’t know where anything is anymore. I was at a Quizno’s with my mom today for lunch, and I was overwhelmed. So many choices, and then once you make your decision and order, they still double check everything! Your sandwich comes with tomatoes and mushrooms, would you like tomatoes and mushrooms? …Yes! If I didn’t, I either wouldn’t have ordered the sandwich or have told you, no tomatoes or mushrooms! I can’t tell whether its fear of lawsuits (someone orders peanut butter and jelly, but gasp! are allergic to peanuts), or knowing their customer is probably stupid and has to double check their order for them. I did used to work in food service, so it’s probably the latter.

I miss the beach, looking up at the mountains as I walk down the main street, walking in a grocery store and saying hi to people. I miss being in on the action – when I read my paper and I don’t know what’s going on. I’m afraid I won’t be able to get back in the groove right away. I miss my friends, and am so excited if it works out to move in with one of them (cottage = vastly superior to the Juicy Mango).

For now, I must embrace my friends here and my family. That’s what I’m here for, and that’s all I have. I will miss them too, once I leave. I must continue to do something nice for my mom everyday, be patient with my stepmother, and not be so lazy with my friends.