Too much time to think

My dog is asleep at the foot of my bed. Having doggy dreams. That cause him to thrash a bit. Sometimes I feel like he's going to have a heart attack, he is 11 years old, and sometimes I want to kick him for waking me. But I do love the old bugger.

I've been having imaginary conversations in my head for as long as I can remember. Mostly to people that I never have the courage to say the things I really want to say. For example, I had a roommate a few years back who I was close with and chose to trust despite her shady demeanor. By the end of the year, she had stolen from me and our other roommate, spilled her own blood on my tennis shoes, demeaned me for trying to help her during one of the worst times of anyone's life, and then skipped out on the last month's rent while I was out of the country. I now owe a debt collector $145, which I consider lucky.
But oh, the conversations I would have with her if she ever has the guts to face me again. I imagine I am completely cool, collected, but above all cruel. I know just the right jabs, her buttons to push and all the sensetive information that would make a CIA agent cry. I would tell her how I found her to take her to small claims court for a start. Well, actually I'd start by punching her in the face. Slapping is too good for her. Then I would lay into her, quietly and with dignity, what a low, foul dirty little tart she is. She would have no reply; I would have shocked her to silence.

However, not so sound full of myself, the girl is not the brightest bulb and I'm glad she's not around. There's someone else I have imaginary conversations with. Things that I want to say, but somehow, even though we're not friends anymore, I don't want to hurt this person. The relationship got to hard, they hold grudges, and that was that. I like friendship over romance because it's easier to fix, its more simple. But with this person, nothing is simple. And while there were mistakes on my part, my conversations always start with, 'you had something to do with it too! it wasn't all my fault!'

Have you ever had that person? Where you just wanted to be rid of them, of the toxic bits, but in general, you find yourself missing them? Even when you knew you were being manipulated, or felt less respected than how much you respected them, you still remember some of the best nights of your life were just sitting around, drinking shitty wine, watching shitty TV, but laughing all the way?